Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Time is so much different now. The last post a year ago feels simultaneously like yesterday and a lifetime ago.

Maybe I've been out here too long to be able to relate to the paradigm that still continues out there. Going into town freaks me out now. It's like going to a different (hostile and unfamiliar) country.

There is something happening here. I'm not sure I can describe it, since part of it seems to be transcending language.

How much more direct and authentic and joyous would your life be if everyone around you listened not to the words you were saying, but the feelings you were experiencing?
To the intent you were really trying to communicate?

This concept is terrifying to some. To those who hide behind the bluster of ego, and feel safe riding in the same track our parents and their parents and their parent's parents have worn for us.

It's pretty fucking tricky even for someone committed to a path of personal growth.

There seem to be lots of periods of self loathing when you truly are willing to face your ego, your patterns. Self loathing is useful as long as you learn your lessons fast and well. I feel OK indulging myself in about a day and a half of self loathing. Any more than that is rather pitiful. But it IS part of the process. To allow the negative to fall away we must confront it, and all the ugly feelings it brings up.
So feel it. Own it. Then move on. Cause you're better than that. I'm better than that. There is a beautiful, shining future waiting for us if we can get through this.

Everyone I encounter is a reflection of me.

That dominant asshole douchebag boss who wants my total submission? That's what I hate in ME. So I better fucking examine MY patterns and make a conscious decision not to participate in that.

What do I do with the boyfriend who can read my my thoughts? That's fantastic until somebody else catches my eye.


What do I do then? Honesty is the only option.
And self examination.
What do I seek when I feel lust for someone? I can't accept that physical gratification is all it is. Not for me. A beautiful mind is so much more interesting than a beautiful face (tho I like that too.)
I think I use sex as a way to have a direct ego-less energetic connection with someone. I think that's what I really want.
Maybe I don't need sex to get there. It's just how I know because in this fucked up culture of fear, real emotional intimacy with another is outside the box (outside the bedroom, anyway).
With sex always seems to come the pair bond, and the ensuing jealous/possessive behavior. Pair bonding is only a useful pattern if I intend to produce offspring (and maybe not even then).
I don't believe humans mate for life. I don't, anyway. We live too long and change too fast, especially now.
By embracing a diversity of emotionally intimate relationships I see more clear reflections of myself and have the capability to learn about myself faster and deeper.

How refreshing it is to communicate directly with word and e-motion to another BE-ing who has released much of our conditioned patterns, who has no emotional attachment to the outcome of the conversation, who has no desire for dominance or dependance or any of the other fucked up mind games people subconsciously play with each other!

How empowering! When we all stand in our own power, we set the course for everyone else. I cannot stand in my own power by taking power from another. And no one can take power from me when I truly know what it is to stand in my own, OUR own power.

Yeah. It all comes down. Tear it down and build anew.


  1. Great post! Hey, come up for air a little more often than once a year!


    1. I'm trying...though moving off grid again pretty soon. Thanks for still stopping by, Mayberry.